Father.

[My Father and I]

From a young age I desperately sought my fathers affection, better still any sort of attention from him. My father, who I treasure dearly, is an exquisite, eccentric man of leisure. I am not saying he is lazy, actually his work ethic in very admirable. He is one of the most motivated people I know but somehow is mind, his thoughts are years ahead of his actions. Or what is actually happening right here, in life, as we stand in it.

[This is me - I was little, tiny water baby]

From a young age I learnt there way were two ways I could get close to my father. The first was to listen. Listen to the thoughts that tumble and bounced off the walls of his adult ADHD mind. I would observe the ideas and master plans that only escaped the maze in his head by being spoken out aloud. He would explore the options, our options as a family by reciting them with his own voice to back us. Forward and back. Back and Forward. Fairy tales would banish as I would hear his heart breaking, tearing, shredding, mending and then back to the beginning. Right back to the start, a life of pain and missed opportunities. Bending his morals, forgetting his goals, re-assessing and re-pressing not what his life is but what his life is not. It’s still the only time we talk really. When he needs someone to listen, you know someone to just say it all back too. Not just someone, anyone. I’m grateful I can listen, it’s a quality that some of us don’t have. Some even with great working ears still fail to hear.

[My Father, my 3 brothers James, Liam and Harry & my sister Indiah - 2012]

My father has always worked hard. I mean anyone that has five children never really stops do they? At one stage he had four children under the age of six. I’m the eldest but there is a seven-year gap between me my brother James, the second eldest. Then there’s Liam, Indiah and Harry. My fathers slim, athletic body has served him well. He is 60 in July this year. He has represented Australia in swimming, completed a university degree and had way too many job titles to count. He taught me how to paddle in the water and dominate in the pool. He also taught me to workhard. Work until you body is fatigued. Work until you mind is overloaded with information. Work until your emotions are absorbed by what you have to do not what you might have wanted to do. Those ideologies that fuel the body with adrenaline of life. My father gets this from the water. I get it from music.

I was 13 when I started working for him in our family swimming school business. It was on the corner of Selby and Granthem Street in Churchlands. Our house was connected to the 25m indoor swimming pool. At the time he had four young children, a very ill wife and his own business. He would spend eighty hours a week, seventy of which were in a 32-degree heated pool. Like I said, he had impeccable work ethic. I went to school some days. Other days I helped with the kids and my step-mum. Then there were the days we taught swimming together. I had never really felt like my fathers daughter until that winter in that pool. He never really read books to me as a child. I can’t remember him every really playing with me either. But being in that pool with him as I interacted with the swimming classes, teaching young children to adore and enjoy the water, that’s when I had him. He was always watching. And though I was sharing his concentration with 6 little babies at maybe 2 or 3 years of age I knew I held his attention and love.

[This is me at Marandoo Rio Tinto working Australia Day a few years back]

I have had varied occupations in my life. Four years of which were in the mining industry, assisting mechanics and boilermakers on shutdowns for various companies such as Rio Tinto and BHP. I always worked hard but never had a passion for the industry; despite there being so much opportunity for me to grow. Living in Newman before it became a FIFO town I partied, grew the most beautiful friendships with mates, but never really had “real” relationships with men. I used to get bored very quickly. Suppose that comes back to my “Daddy Issues” but since I have been working in the music industry everything has changed.

[Image taken by Mandy Mateljak]

I used to look to men to fulfill my excitement. The rush I would get from being in control, you know, playing the game; I now get all this from the business. The positive affection and the jealousy rejections (killer aren’t they), the natural highs and the reflective lows. The personal achievements, the mental melts downs, the missed calls, milestones and insomnia induced nights alone now are all self-inflicted and controlled not by my Father or a boy.

They are controlled by me.